Parental Priorities Blogs & Articles

Children of Divorce and the Holidays

November 29, 2019/in Families & Children, General Divorce /by Erica Auster

For many people, the upcoming holiday season will be their first without a spouse. Couples who have divorced in 2019 may see the holiday season as challenging instead of joyous, especially when faced with financial and child-related concerns.

However, there are some important things to consider to maintain your holiday spirit, especially when children are involved. Divorce is hard enough on kids, so during this time of year, it is even more critical to put children first.

There are some important considerations for divorced or divorcing West Michigan parents in order to preserve the holiday joy for their children.

Keep the Kids Out of the Middle

Children should never be used as pawns. Many are already struggling with the situation and should never be made to feel like pieces in a chess match. Remember to base decisions on their mental and physical wellbeing first and foremost.

It is also important to avoid discussing the other parent in front of the children. They should never hear disparaging comments about their mother from their father in the middle of a holiday gathering.

Get in the Spirit

It is easy to harbor anger and resentment during a difficult divorce, but the holidays are a time of joy and parents should do their best to get in the spirit. Try not to skimp on the decorations or keep your Christmas tree or menorah in the box just because you are not in the mood.

This is the time to put your children front and center and get in the spirit, even if only for them.

The Holidays are Not a Competition

For most divorced or divorcing couples, money has played a part in their stress and strife. It is easy to think that a child’s love can be purchased by buying bigger, more expensive gifts than the other parent, but the holidays should not be a competition.

It is also important to remember the rules. If children are not allowed to have a particular item, such as a cell phone or other electronics, purchasing it behind the other parent’s back can only lead to further conflict with children almost undoubtedly caught in the middle.

Celebrations and Social Gatherings

Holiday celebrations and social gatherings present unique issues, especially school concerts and parties or other events where children are the focus. During these times, it is important to make sacrifices for the children and put conflict aside.

You do not need to sit together, especially if doing so leads to heightened stress or animosity; however, children should be able to see both parents in the audience at their school play.

It’s a Holiday, Not a Road Trip

The holidays should be a time of celebration, not an exhausting odyssey across the state. Children should not dread the holidays because it means spending the day traveling between parents, grandparents and extended family homes.

Make the effort to coordinate and compromise so the kids can enjoy the day without spending most of it in the car. If there is one time all year to meet in the middle, this is it.

The holidays present unique challenges for both parents and children involved in a divorce. It is important to make compromises wherever necessary to put the children’s needs first and foremost.

If you are considering divorce, please take the time to investigate all of the available options before proceeding with any legal action. Please consult with the Grand Rapids area divorce attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you through your most difficult time.

Stay Together for the Kids? Many Kids say No

September 13, 2018/in Articles, Families & Children, General Divorce /by Jennifer Johnsen

In a recent study by the British Family Law Organization, Resolution, more than 80 percent of the children surveyed between 14 and 22 years old said they would rather their parents divorce than stay together for the sake of the children.

As difficult as divorce can be, the alternative is often worse. Children often observe and sense the stress and anxiety generated by their parent’s unhappy marriage. They are not blind to the pressures and problems, or even to the mechanical relationship of a loveless marriage.

Too often, children are caught in the middle of their warring parents and are either used as a sounding board to vent frustrations or a pawn in the divorce negotiations. Some children may desire for their parent’s marriage to end for self-preservation reasons, while others may genuinely wish To see their parents happy again.

In an interesting Reddit thread, a parent wrestling with the decision to divorce or remain in a marriage for the sake of the children, posted his question to the site’s readers. Many of the responses from those who had been children of divorce created a telling picture, with the majority advising the couple to consider divorce.

Reasons given vary, but the most common were the audible arguments, visible fatigue and stress, and an overall unhappy environment in the home. By staying together, most parents had subjected their children to the very same misery that they were experiencing.

Another side-effect of a crumbling marriage was that one or both parents tend to be less present, choosing to avoid the home as much as possible. By avoiding each other, one or both spouses end up spending less time with their children as well.

Children of parents who remained in an unhappy marriage also claimed that the situation set an unhealthy example for them. Very often, behavior such as lying, cheating, and mistreatment of the other spouse were viewed as acceptable.

In any divorce, children should be a chief consideration, not a pawn or tool caught between two unhappy parents. If you are considering divorce, please discuss your options with an attorney before making any decisions that may affect your children. In Grand Rapids, Michigan, please contact the experienced attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you, and your children, through your most difficult time.

How the New Tax Code may Impact Children of Divorce

March 13, 2018/in Articles, Families & Children /by Erica Auster

New tax code changes may have collateral effects on divorcing couples in West Michigan. One potential impact could be more complicated disputes over the relevant deductions for minor children. The new Tax Code not only increases the child tax credit to $2,000, it allows for a $500 for other family dependents.

The new Tax Code has also changed the restrictions on 529 College Savings Plans, allowing these funds to be used on K-12, not just college, expenses. Most divorce agreements may not include specific instructions for the use of these funds, creating a potential post-judgment dispute if one parent wishes to deplete the account for pre-college education expenses.

If both parents agree that the 529 Plan should be used for college only, this agreement should be clearly documented so the funds will be available as expected and not used for other, earlier school expenses.

Too often, parents forget that their actions can have long-term effects on their children. A child’s college savings account is now an issue that might be disputed during a divorce case; the ultimate decision significantly impacting the child.

Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but itis important to keep children out of the process as much as possible. Children of divorcing parents are already going through one of the most difficult experiences in their lives. Parental fighting can lead to behavioral issues that last into the young adult stage, and children of divorce are also more likely to do poorly in school and struggle with anxiety, betrayal, and loss.

For more information on changing tax laws and how they could impact your decisions during a divorce, please contact the experienced West Michigan attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you through your most difficult time.

Nesting – Giving Your Children the House

November 28, 2017/in Families & Children /by Erica Auster

While the concept is not new, nesting is still a fairly unusual outcome in West Michigan divorce cases. However, the idea has grown in popularity in recent years as a better way for divorcing parents to provide a more stable environment for their children, and to minimize the disruption and upheaval associated with divorce, especially if that involves moving the child away from the home they were familiar with.

For most children with divorcing parents, the situation creates uncertainty, and sometimes conflict, when those children must travel from house to house. The situation becomes even more disruptive when the children are traveling on a daily, sometimes weekly basis, resulting in them being away from the friends who can often provide an extra layer of support.

Divorce can also lead to behavioral issues in children. Guilt and depression can become a factor for children caught in the middle of the turmoil, especially if the parents are struggling to make financial or custody decisions without anger and conflict. A stable environment can be an important factor in the children’s ability to cope with their parent’s separation.

Nesting allows children to remain in their home while their parents come and go as necessary to exercise their visitation and parenting time. Both parents occupy other living quarters, such as a small apartment or a family or friend’s home, while taking turns living in the shared house with their children. This creates a situation similar to custody arrangements determined in divorce court, however, instead of displacing the children every other week (or more) the parents accept the inconvenience and upheaval caused by their marital dissolution.

Nesting allows children of divorcing parents to experience less upheaval, hopefully adding some solid ground to a shaky situation. Instead of becoming uprooted and displaced, children stay in their own rooms and beds and maintain some routine and normalcy in their lives.

While seemingly unconventional, this arrangement allows children of divorce to stay in the same school and to maintain close ties with their friends. The children are also spared from constantly packing their clothes and toys for the weekend, or longer, visits with the non-custodial parent. Instead of forcing the children through constant “camping trips”, nesting provides a much more solid foundation for the children of divorcing spouses.

The concept is obviously not for everyone and should not be considered without consulting an experienced divorce attorney. Trust issues, new relationships, and financial plans must be taken into consideration before such an arrangement is contemplated. However, nesting offers divorcing parents a way to ensure that their children will be impacted far less by the decision to divorce.

Divorce decisions and arrangements should never be made without first consulting an experienced divorce attorney. In Grand Rapids, please contact Johnsen Wikander today for information or advice.

The Effects of Parental Conflict on Children

November 7, 2017/in Families & Children /by Erica Auster

During a divorce, parents can become increasingly angry and far more stressed than they were before reaching the decision to separate. Asset distribution, child custody, and visitation issues, parenting time plans, and many other difficult decisions can create tension in the home or any place that divorcing parents are brought together. Any fighting that may occur can leave a lasting impression on the children involved.

Children of divorced parents are affected by fighting both at the time of the argument and years into the future. According to WebMD, children’s emotional development is likely to be affected by a heated conflict between their parents. A child’s emotional security is especially affected, often creating depression and anxiety when parental conflicts are unresolved.

Modern studies have shown that divorce can be a relief for children caught between fighting parents because they no longer live in the middle of the constant conflict. According to adolescent psychologist Nancy Cahir, “conflict between parents can be just as damaging as physical abuse.” Parental conflict can also lead to trust issues and difficulties with attachment.

Fighting parents can cause an unexpected issue for their children. A child’s sleep pattern can be negatively affected by parental conflict, causing the loss of 30 minutes or more of sleep per night. If this loss occurs in the middle of regular sleep patterns it can be even more disruptive, leading to irritability and other behavioral issues. Parental conflict can even lead to physical illness in extreme cases.

Studies by psychology professor Patrick Davies have shown that children exposed to fighting between parents do not get used to the conflict over time. Instead, they become more sensitive to it. Parents who stay together for their children’s sake are more likely to have a negative effect on them. Children exposed to conflict very often expressed the wish that their parents had divorced sooner.

Children’s emotional and behavioral stability and growth are negatively affected by their parent’s hostility, however, unresolved conflict is much worse. Although parents should do their best to avoid exposing their children to conflict, they can reduce potential impact by allowing their children to see the issue end with compromise or resolution.

Please contact leading Grand Rapids divorce attorneys Johnsen Wikander to discuss available solutions before your children are affected.

Basketball Player Represents Children Of Divorce

March 28, 2016/in Divorce In The News, Families & Children /by Erica Auster

Divorce can be a trying time within families. Relationships often become strained between parents and their children. However, by finding a bond with a child, some marital tension can be avoided. This is of particular concern for someone who was abandoned by their own parent, like Duwad Abdur-Rahkman. However, he was able to maintain a bond with his son through basketball. Now his son is 21 years old and is quickly becoming a household name for Michigan sports fans. Read more

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