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Children of Divorce and the Holidays | Johnsen Wikander P.C. West Michigan Divorce Attorneys

Children of Divorce and the Holidays

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For many people, the upcoming holiday season will be their first without a spouse. Couples who have divorced in 2019 may see the holiday season as challenging instead of joyous, especially when faced with financial and child-related concerns.

However, there are some important things to consider to maintain your holiday spirit, especially when children are involved. Divorce is hard enough on kids, so during this time of year, it is even more critical to put children first.

There are some important considerations for divorced or divorcing West Michigan parents in order to preserve the holiday joy for their children.

Keep the Kids Out of the Middle

Children should never be used as pawns. Many are already struggling with the situation and should never be made to feel like pieces in a chess match. Remember to base decisions on their mental and physical wellbeing first and foremost.

It is also important to avoid discussing the other parent in front of the children. They should never hear disparaging comments about their mother from their father in the middle of a holiday gathering.

Get in the Spirit

It is easy to harbor anger and resentment during a difficult divorce, but the holidays are a time of joy and parents should do their best to get in the spirit. Try not to skimp on the decorations or keep your Christmas tree or menorah in the box just because you are not in the mood.

This is the time to put your children front and center and get in the spirit, even if only for them.

The Holidays are Not a Competition

For most divorced or divorcing couples, money has played a part in their stress and strife. It is easy to think that a child’s love can be purchased by buying bigger, more expensive gifts than the other parent, but the holidays should not be a competition.

It is also important to remember the rules. If children are not allowed to have a particular item, such as a cell phone or other electronics, purchasing it behind the other parent’s back can only lead to further conflict with children almost undoubtedly caught in the middle.

Celebrations and Social Gatherings

Holiday celebrations and social gatherings present unique issues, especially school concerts and parties or other events where children are the focus. During these times, it is important to make sacrifices for the children and put conflict aside.

You do not need to sit together, especially if doing so leads to heightened stress or animosity; however, children should be able to see both parents in the audience at their school play.

It’s a Holiday, Not a Road Trip

The holidays should be a time of celebration, not an exhausting odyssey across the state. Children should not dread the holidays because it means spending the day traveling between parents, grandparents and extended family homes.

Make the effort to coordinate and compromise so the kids can enjoy the day without spending most of it in the car. If there is one time all year to meet in the middle, this is it.

The holidays present unique challenges for both parents and children involved in a divorce. It is important to make compromises wherever necessary to put the children’s needs first and foremost.

If you are considering divorce, please take the time to investigate all of the available options before proceeding with any legal action. Please consult with the Grand Rapids area divorce attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you through your most difficult time.

Stay Together for the Kids? Many Kids say No

Stay Together for the Kids? Many Kids say No

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In a recent study by the British Family Law Organization, Resolution, more than 80 percent of the children surveyed between 14 and 22 years old said they would rather their parents divorce than stay together for the sake of the children.

As difficult as divorce can be, the alternative is often worse. Children often observe and sense the stress and anxiety generated by their parent’s unhappy marriage. They are not blind to the pressures and problems, or even to the mechanical relationship of a loveless marriage.

Too often, children are caught in the middle of their warring parents and are either used as a sounding board to vent frustrations or a pawn in the divorce negotiations. Some children may desire for their parent’s marriage to end for self-preservation reasons, while others may genuinely wish To see their parents happy again.

In an interesting Reddit thread, a parent wrestling with the decision to divorce or remain in a marriage for the sake of the children, posted his question to the site’s readers. Many of the responses from those who had been children of divorce created a telling picture, with the majority advising the couple to consider divorce.

Reasons given vary, but the most common were the audible arguments, visible fatigue and stress, and an overall unhappy environment in the home. By staying together, most parents had subjected their children to the very same misery that they were experiencing.

Another side-effect of a crumbling marriage was that one or both parents tend to be less present, choosing to avoid the home as much as possible. By avoiding each other, one or both spouses end up spending less time with their children as well.

Children of parents who remained in an unhappy marriage also claimed that the situation set an unhealthy example for them. Very often, behavior such as lying, cheating, and mistreatment of the other spouse were viewed as acceptable.

In any divorce, children should be a chief consideration, not a pawn or tool caught between two unhappy parents. If you are considering divorce, please discuss your options with an attorney before making any decisions that may affect your children. In Grand Rapids, Michigan, please contact the experienced attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you, and your children, through your most difficult time.

Divorce Should Not Feel Like Failure

Divorce Should Not Feel Like Failure

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According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of modern marriages end in divorce. The Center for Disease Control website reports that 6.9 per 1000 people get married, and 3.2 out of 1000 people get divorced. That means there is almost a 50 percent chance that the person you are sitting next to in a public place has been divorced.

According to Divorce Magazine, only 5% of all marriages will make it to their 50th wedding anniversary. Divorce is no longer a rarity, and admitting you are divorced is no longer all that shocking. If that’s the case, then why do so many divorced people feel ashamed? Why is it hard for so many people to admit to their divorce or discuss it with other people?

Many people see the dissolution of their marriage as a failure. They are often embarrassed to admit that their partnership has ended as if saying “I Do” in front of a room full of friends and family means they now have to go back to the same people and announce the unfavorable outcome like a shareholder report.

You should not be ashamed of your divorce. The divorce process will likely be challenging, although newer approaches, such as Collaborative Divorce are bringing simpler, more sensible solutions to couples who understand that their divorce might be the best resolution to a difficult and unmanageable situation. Divorce is a journey that many people take, some more than once, and shame should never be anyone’s traveling companion.

Divorce is not embarrassing. Divorcing parties should seek support amongst family members and friends, not guilt trips and shame. Many people do not know how to offer support and tend to pull away. If the people closest to you cannot be supportive, it is important to seek out positive influences and reinforcement from other sources.

Whether divorce takes place in West Michigan or the West Coast, shame should never be a part of the picture. The end of a failing marriage may bring renewal, with new opportunities for both spouses and a more stable home life for children. It may ultimately be a relief for all involved.

If you are facing divorce, please contact the experienced attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you through this difficult time.

Divorce & Christmas

New Year’s Resolutions and Divorce

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For many people the New Year brings new hope, providing a fresh outlook and the feeling of renewed opportunity. However, the turn of the year also brings a spike in divorce cases nationwide when holiday events are over, family commitments have been met, and guests have gone back home.

Both spouses may have reached common ground and agreed to divorce after the holidays are over to preserve family traditions and protect their children’s holiday experience. If both spouses are on common ground they may also have agreed to preserve appearances and avoid explaining the situation during family gatherings or parties.

However, a spouse who has been unhappy for some time may use their New Year’s Resolution to commit to a difficult choice and end a rocky marriage and look for a divorce attorney in Grand Rapids to help guide them in the decision. Holiday stress can also become a driving force in the decision to divorce. Family visits, party preparations, and excess spending can increase tension and stress, and push an unsteady relationship over the edge.

One partner’s decision to divorce may blind-side the other partner, leading to angry and emotional confrontations. Even though both partners may know there is something wrong one may not be aware that other has become unhappy enough to leave, especially if any attempt has been made to resolve personal differences and repair the marriage. In that case, finding a lawyer experienced in arbitration may be necessary.

With any unexpected confrontation, emotions and anger become factors that can only make matters worse. As difficult as it may be, it is extremely important to keep a level head and approach the situation cautiously and to be as informed as possible, especially when there are minor children involved.

The situation can also create knee-jerk reactions and spontaneous decisions that could create additional challenges, especially if any discussions about finances, custody, or assets take place. As hard as it may be, the best options are to face the issue head-on with rational conversation or to step back until both partners have time to process the information and can talk through the issue.

An angry response or clouded judgment can make matters substantially worse. A snap decision could create an outcome which is difficult to reverse and has long-lasting effects on one or both partners.

If you are facing a potential separation or divorce, please – don’t make any quick decisions. Contact the experienced West Michigan attorneys at Johnsen Wikander and let us help you through this difficult time.

Nesting - Giving Your Children the House | Johnsen Wikander P.C. West Michigan Divorce Attorneys

Nesting – Giving Your Children the House

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While the concept is not new, nesting is still a fairly unusual outcome in West Michigan divorce cases. However, the idea has grown in popularity in recent years as a better way for divorcing parents to provide a more stable environment for their children, and to minimize the disruption and upheaval associated with divorce, especially if that involves moving the child away from the home they were familiar with.

For most children with divorcing parents, the situation creates uncertainty, and sometimes conflict, when those children must travel from house to house. The situation becomes even more disruptive when the children are traveling on a daily, sometimes weekly basis, resulting in them being away from the friends who can often provide an extra layer of support.

Divorce can also lead to behavioral issues in children. Guilt and depression can become a factor for children caught in the middle of the turmoil, especially if the parents are struggling to make financial or custody decisions without anger and conflict. A stable environment can be an important factor in the children’s ability to cope with their parent’s separation.

Nesting allows children to remain in their home while their parents come and go as necessary to exercise their visitation and parenting time. Both parents occupy other living quarters, such as a small apartment or a family or friend’s home, while taking turns living in the shared house with their children. This creates a situation similar to custody arrangements determined in divorce court, however, instead of displacing the children every other week (or more) the parents accept the inconvenience and upheaval caused by their marital dissolution.

Nesting allows children of divorcing parents to experience less upheaval, hopefully adding some solid ground to a shaky situation. Instead of becoming uprooted and displaced, children stay in their own rooms and beds and maintain some routine and normalcy in their lives.

While seemingly unconventional, this arrangement allows children of divorce to stay in the same school and to maintain close ties with their friends. The children are also spared from constantly packing their clothes and toys for the weekend, or longer, visits with the non-custodial parent. Instead of forcing the children through constant “camping trips”, nesting provides a much more solid foundation for the children of divorcing spouses.

The concept is obviously not for everyone and should not be considered without consulting an experienced divorce attorney. Trust issues, new relationships, and financial plans must be taken into consideration before such an arrangement is contemplated. However, nesting offers divorcing parents a way to ensure that their children will be impacted far less by the decision to divorce.

Divorce decisions and arrangements should never be made without first consulting an experienced divorce attorney. In Grand Rapids, please contact Johnsen Wikander today for information or advice.

 

Holiday Stress and Divorce Remorse | Johnsen Wikander P.C. West Michigan Divorce Attorneys

Holiday Stress and Divorce Remorse

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For someone going through separation or divorce, the holiday season may seem more like a challenge to be overcome than an opportunity to celebrate family bonds and friendship. Social events like Thanksgiving may be accompanied by feelings of sadness or loneliness for someone who is newly single, especially for a parent facing their first holiday without their children.

Even West Michigan family gatherings can seem like overwhelming situations involving endless explanations and unwanted attention. Parents may hover over their newly divorced child, smothering them when they need room to breathe and adjust. Friends and relatives may push their “help” by offering unwanted or inappropriate advice, or worse, they may dig for information they can use to spread rumors and gossip.

Holiday parties can also be difficult for newly divorced people. Friends may be loyal to one person or the other, potentially leaving a void where one is unexpected. Parties can present another challenge when both newly divorced people are invited. Well-meaning friends may intentionally invite them both to try to patch up a failed relationship, creating more stress or increased tension.

Holidays in Grand Rapids will be hard on the children of divorced parents as well, whether they spend the day with only one parent, or split the day between both. Children spending the day with only one parent may wish to be with the other, or, if they are younger, they may not understand why only one parent is present on such a special day. If they are shuttled between two households, they may feel overwhelmed by the situation or by an overabundance of attention from concerned adults.

For newly divorced partners, and especially parents, it is important to think ahead to the coming holiday season and prepare for the changes to routines, events and travels that you may encounter. It is also important to avoid situations which fuel loneliness and anger, and which can create discomfort or stress.

When children are involved, planning events, such as visitation days ahead of time, will reduce stress and tension between parents. Children are especially affected by divorce during the holiday season since family traditions may be replaced by new routines and potentially twice as much activity. A special day can quickly be reduced to a series of transitions and extra travel.

Divorce creates a new normal for everyone involved, which will improve with time. However, it is also important to fill that time with positive actions and events. Choosing to participate in volunteer opportunities can provide a distraction, as well as feelings of accomplishment and charity. Changing routines can also eliminate stress by removing expectations.

Surviving the holidays may not be easy for some time after the divorce, however, things will improve with time. For more information, please contact the Grand Rapids divorce attorneys at Johnsen Wikander today.

The Effects of Parental Conflict on Children | Johnsen Wikander P.C. West Michigan Divorce Attorneys

The Effects of Parental Conflict on Children

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During a divorce, parents can become increasingly angry and far more stressed than they were before reaching the decision to separate. Asset distribution, child custody, and visitation issues, parenting time plans, and many other difficult decisions can create tension in the home or any place that divorcing parents are brought together. Any fighting that may occur can leave a lasting impression on the children involved.

Children of divorced parents are affected by fighting both at the time of the argument and years into the future. According to WebMD, children’s emotional development is likely to be affected by a heated conflict between their parents. A child’s emotional security is especially affected, often creating depression and anxiety when parental conflicts are unresolved.

Modern studies have shown that divorce can be a relief for children caught between fighting parents because they no longer live in the middle of the constant conflict. According to adolescent psychologist Nancy Cahir, “conflict between parents can be just as damaging as physical abuse.” Parental conflict can also lead to trust issues and difficulties with attachment.

Fighting parents can cause an unexpected issue for their children. A child’s sleep pattern can be negatively affected by parental conflict, causing the loss of 30 minutes or more of sleep per night. If this loss occurs in the middle of regular sleep patterns it can be even more disruptive, leading to irritability and other behavioral issues. Parental conflict can even lead to physical illness in extreme cases.

Studies by psychology professor Patrick Davies have shown that children exposed to fighting between parents do not get used to the conflict over time. Instead, they become more sensitive to it. Parents who stay together for their children’s sake are more likely to have a negative effect on them. Children exposed to conflict very often expressed the wish that their parents had divorced sooner.

Children’s emotional and behavioral stability and growth are negatively affected by their parent’s hostility, however, unresolved conflict is much worse. Although parents should do their best to avoid exposing their children to conflict, they can reduce potential impact by allowing their children to see the issue end with compromise or resolution.

Please contact leading Grand Rapids divorce attorneys Johnsen Wikander to discuss available solutions before your children are affected.

Basketball Player Represents Children Of Divorce

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Divorce can be a trying time within families. Relationships often become strained between parents and their children. However, by finding a bond with a child, some marital tension can be avoided. This is of particular concern for someone who was abandoned by their own parent, like Duwad Abdur-Rahkman. However, he was able to maintain a bond with his son through basketball. Now his son is 21 years old and is quickly becoming a household name for Michigan sports fans.  Read more